Reason #597 I Hate Hipsters

God damn hipsters think they're so fucking smart. Is there a more pretentious and self-righteous group of people in existence? Like this clown probably spent countless hours writing his little note cards and thinking of why you shouldn't have a Facebook account. Yea really cool bro. Since when is doing some creeping and checking out titty pictures not sweet? It's always fun to look at pictures of the smoke show you went to high school with who thought she was hot shit and then went to college put on 40 LBS, and got knocked up. Fucking classic you bet your ass I'll spend a few minutes looking at pictures of her fat ass and laughing. And how else are you supposed to know when the dime piece at the office breaks up with her boyfriend and needs some rebound dick in her life? Obviously this guy never used Facebook to assist in chasing skirts. If some chick pokes me on Facebook it's almost guaranteed I'll be poking in real life. Unless you're a worthless hipster...I'm glad he's teaching English in South Korea...one less fucking hipster piece of shit to deal with in this country. If anything this anti-Facebook video was a bigger cry for attention than anything I'll do on Facebook. Fucking hipsters.

Friday Femme Fatale

Introducing Leighton Meester.  Guys I'm going out on a limb here and guessing that the majority of you don't watch Gossip Girl.  Big mistake.  I've literally landed chicks based on the fact that I know what goes on in that CW drama.  Anyways Leighton is one of the main staples of Gossip Girl.  She plays the little heiress known as Blair Waldorf and she's basically a classier and more sinister version of Paris Hilton.  Minus the night vision sextape.  Not that I would be complaining if something like that came out.  Shit would be on a repeat loop.  Probably would go blind.  I love this girl would totally marry her.  She's also breaking into the music biz.  I just want to show this Waldorf my Astoria.  Total smokeshow.  Get familiar with her...I predict big things on her horizon.  

Bonus- the last picture is of Leighton with her Gossip Girl costar Blake Lively.  Also a babe.  Smokeshow central ladies and gentleman.  I'd pay at least $5 to be that ice cream cone.  

10 Bro-sentials For The Bro-liday Weekend (AKA Jesus' Birthday)

Having been at my folks' house for over 24 hours I've realized that I didn't necessarily pack right.  After numerous coffee's with an assortment of J-Mo and Drambuie I've figured out the bro-sential list of things to pack for the holidays.  If you think I'm wrong bring it.

1. Bitches

You can't go wrong with bitches.  As long as they're in the kitchen or helping your mom clean up after the shit storm you brought in at 2 AM.  Had to choose Lohan because she's the hottest ginger alive and her tits are so money.  I mean look at that.  I don't care how many times she goes to rehab or gets arrested.  One good thing is you know she'll blow lines off your cock.  Can't beat that. Straight. Class. Homey.

2. Liquor

I'm not hating on beer but the holidays require a harder drink.  My personal favorite is Johnnie Walker.  I'll keep walking all day long.  The only downside to this fantastic beverage is that chicks have no appreciation for it.  All about that sauv-blanc and cabernet.  Show me a girl who'll drink Johnnie on the rocks and I'll show you a girl that I'll marry 9 times out 10.  Straight throwing a ring on it.  Haven't found a girl to drink Johnnie in all my years of man-whoring around.  Challengers are welcome.

3. Holiday Sweaters

Rock. Holiday. Sweaters.  It's the only time of the year when it's accepted to wear a douche bag outfit.  Chicks get wet over this shit.  Unless they've been lying to me...quite possible.

4. Patience

Time with family means time for patience.  You most likely differ in political philosophies or philosophies in general.  This is where numero dos comes into play.  A little liquor always makes the debates easier/more entertaining.

5. A Cell Phone

Gotta have a phone.  911 in case your dad tries to stab you with a carving knife for blowing your trust fund on bitches and blow.  Or for more realistic reasons like you forgot to pull out and you need that Plan B pill ASAP.  Or like grandma choked on a bone.  Just in case.  I don't know what people did before the cell phone age.  You know how much pussy I've pulled from texting?! At least 3 girls.  I'm still a virgin.  But I can pretend.  It's fun.

6.  Cocaine

I've heard good things.  After all that booze you might need a pick me up.

7. Cash Money

After all that booze, blow, and Lohan tits you're gonna need an escape route.  Obvi driving is not an option, unless you're the fucking man and say fuck it, so you're gonna need some cash money to pay for a cab.  On a personal note cab rides are cheaper than DUI's.  Just saying.

8. Your Team Hat

You're undoubtedly going to be home for the games on Sunday.  If you're like me you'll be watching the Chicago Bears tear Mark Sanchez a new asshole while Rex Ryan eats some snacks.  On a side note if you're white and you still keep the stickers on your cap...do me a favor and kill yourself...fucking disgrace I bet you wear graphic tees too.

9. Xanax

There's only one way you're getting a solid nap in.  Check above for directions.

10. Exit Strategy

After impregnating Lohan, doing a bunch of blow, becoming best friends with Johnnie, and eating some xanny bars you're gonna wake up in a haze.  It's time to escape.  Trains, plains, and automobiles my friends.  If  that trust fund was tight enough you're hopping on a G5 and peacing out.  For those of us less fortunate souls there's the conventional ways of travel.  At least New Years Eve is only a week away.  BOOM

Don't Be A Scrooge

It's the time of the year where sentiments run higher than Charlie Sheen at the Plaza Hotel so I'm going to drop some knowledge on all of you.  You know that ex that you hate?  You know those in-laws you hate?  You know that part of the fam that you don't want to hang out with?  Let it go.  I've learned this from my personal experiences and I'm no Dr. Phil but this is the time of the year to let by gones be by gones.  Don't worry I won't get sentimental in the future I'll still write about smokeshows, drugs, booze, and the finer things in life.  If you're asking yourself why the Grayt Gatsby is being this guy right now I'll inform you.  I just talked to an uncle overseas who I haven't spoke to in nearly a decade.  He's been a troublemaker, much like myself, but I put the call in to see if things have changed and it almost brought tears to my eyes.  Dude's taking care of my grandmother, reformed, and putting all the shit behind him.  You can't ask for a better Christmas miracle.  For those of you that might read this by chance take this message away from it...a Christmas miracle is always possible...no matter how down you get about a situation it always gets better.  Happy Holidays to all.

X-Box Might be the Grinch...Or A Jew

Jews run Hollywood this is a known fact but I thought Christians ran the tech sector.  Apparently not because I just got Jewed the fuck out of Call of Duty on XBOX live.  I may have killed some teammates but shit happens.  I was in the game for myself.  There's no I in TEAM and I'm playing the I game today.  I just wanna kill bitches in COD is that too much to ask for? Maybe I wasn't meant for this world of political correctness and teams.  Whatever happened to just grabbing an AK and making shit happen via the XBOX.  Fucking haters.  I hope you get some coal in your stockings.  Let me back in the GAME.

Airplane Bottles...So Underrated

This is not an opinion but rather a statement...airplane bottles, as I like to call them, are the hands down clutch accessory to get you through the holidays with the fam.  You can stash like 3-5 of these bitches in each pocket wherever you go.  That big ass bouncer at the bar?  He doesn't know...this isn't the TSA no pat-downs required.  Your waitress at brunch?  She doesn't know shit make that coffee memorable.  In the sack with your lady?  If you're doing it right she's preoccupied on penetration take a 3 second breather and slam an airplane bottle.  She won't even notice.  The bottom line is these are miracle makers. And they're so damn underrated and overlooked.  Almost like that Timmy character in the Dickens classic "A Christmas Carol."  God bless us...all of us...and an extra shout out to airplane bottles.  

I Just Had Sex

The Lonely Island, the guys who made the classic summer anthem "I'm On A Boat", are back in action. This is the first single off their upcoming album. I fucking love these guys how can anyone not? They're hilarious and they drop banging tracks like this. I can totally see this getting thrown on at parties and bars. I've lost track of how many times I've watched this video today. Plus I'll watch anything featuring my future wife Blake Lively...what a babe. Gotta love the fact that she clearly has a sense of humor for being in this video. This is definitely getting blasted next time I have a one night stand...gonna send some girl home in tears...but it won't matter because I just had sex. Boom. That will be some post-worthy material there. Stay tuned.

Friday Femme Fatale

This week's Triple F is the lovely Candice Swanepoel.  I had the good fortune of meeting this smoke show last fall when she was going in the backdoor of the Victoria's Secret Flagship store in Chicago.  Straight fire...and chill as fuck.  Perfect smile and a tush to smush.  That's all I've got to say today I've been lazy, it's Friday, and it's time to rage.  The pictures speak louder than my words anyway.  Enjoy the weekend kids.

Pamela Anderson Sets the World Record for Playboy Covers

 

And the photo shop award goes to the hardworking men and women at Playboy for putting spank bank hall of famer Pamela Anderson on her 13th Playboy cover.  Pam's new cover sets a record for Playboy covers held by anyone since the magazines inception in 1953.  I've seen the pictures from the new 8 page spread and she looks good.  However I've also seen pictures of her out in public over the past few years and the numbers do not add up.  Girl looks like a train wreck on the regular.  If photoshop had a stock value (I don't know maybe it does) I'd be screaming "Blue horseshoe LOVES photoshop."  For those of you who don't get that reference it's from Wall Street one of the greatest movies of all time.  If you don't get it you probably shouldn't be reading this blog because you're clearly not in the know.  Anyways here's a pic of Pamela in her natural state which you can see, unless your as blind as Anne Frank (too soon?), is not Playboy material. "Buzz your girlfriend! WOOF."

Diddy's Launch Party Was FIRE

Diddy held a launch party at the London Hotel in NYC for his new album "Last Train to Paris" the other night and to say it was on fire does not do it justice. While home boy (Kevin Heart apparently some comedian) is talking about God knows what on the mic the lucky lady in the hot tub who was just trying to get some camera time may have gotten her weave a little to close to the candle behind her. Check it out as her hair bursts into flames. Even better than her reaction may have been Kevin Hart's reaction of flying face first into the camera screaming "Did the camera catch that?!" As a matter of fact Kevin I believe it did. I love the balls on this guy just losing it and laughing like a maniac. They sure as shit "Did it official."

Fresh on the Market....Who Would You Rather?

This has been a week of breakups and divorces in Hollywood and the aftermath has left three ladies on the rebound.  The question is which of these lucky ladies would like to take a ride on the wild side with the Grayt Gatsby?

Vanessa Hudgens

Scarlett Johansson

Jennifer Carpenter

Let's start with the elimination round...Jennifer Carpenter you gotta go baby.  Just not high-profile enough for a blogger on the rise.  I'm trying to climb ladders sweetheart...plus the space between her eyes kind of reminds me of a hammer head shark...if she plays her cards right though Jennifer can get a consolation night with the Grayt Gatsby.  

Having to choose between Miss Hudgens and Scar-Jo is no easy feat.  You may have guessed that I'd be choosing Scar-Jo for the win based on her previous exposure here.  9 times out of 10 Scar-Jo's going home with a ring on her finger but my world was thrown into a tailspin with the emergence of sexy little minx Vanessa Hudgens on the singles scene.  I'm a sucker for a brunette and dark eyes both of which Vanessa is packing.  Vanessa is also 4 years younger than Scar-Jo so that has to be taken into account.  The only solution is to lead a double life where I "travel" a lot for business.  It's like the "No Child Left Behind" Act except in this case it's the "No Woman On the Rebound Left Behind" Act.  Bingo bango.  Case closed.  Problem solved.

A Glimpse Into The Crazy...

Editor's Note:  A Glimpse Into The Crazy will be a re-occurring feature which will provide an introspective look into the minds of women...I know it's scary but someone has to blog about it.

Cosmopolitan magazine may be the least bro publication known to man but as it is the bible of babes in this country it may be noteworthy to glance at on occasion.  You probably just finished reading that statement thinking "I'm done with this homo blog."  Patience is a virtue homie so slow your roll before you close out and renounce Gatsby's Corner for life.  Like me, most of you gentlemen reading this have more than likely dated some broad who can't live without her Cosmo and probably left that shit on your coffee table.  Having been in this scenario I've looked at the magazine just to see what the fuck could be so damn important that this bitch packs like 3 issues to the beach at a time.  What I found in the pages of Cosmo is just how insane women are and that the depths of their depravity knows no bounds.  Case and point I was at Barnes and Noble today and I saw a girl reading a Cosmo with her eyes popping out of her head like she just found the lost city of Atlantis.  Of course nothing in a woman's magazine could possibly be of any significance unless it was regarding new recipes to practice in the kitchen or in the sack so I just laughed and thought to myself "Dumb."  I noticed a blurb on the cover that stated "3 Weird Signs He's Into You."  I dare say I picked up the copy and flipped through until I found said article.  It boggles me when chicks think they know a bro is into them because as we all know girls have smaller brains, it's science, so they can't possibly know such things.  Of course I was right.  Below are the 3 weird signs chick's will think that a dude is into them.  Enjoy and take note of the crazy.

• He Orders the Steak:  According to Cosmo a dude orders a steak over pasta because he is trying to impress the girl by ordering the manliest/machoest item on the menu.  Guess what assholes at Cosmo...you know why I order a steak?  Because it's God damn delicious that's why.  If I want to impress a chick it sure as shit will not have anything to do with what I order at dinner.  Now order yourself a salad I don't want your dinner affecting that ass sweetheart.
• He Starts Talking Like You:  " A man will unknowingly mimic how you talk to seem more likable."  Newsflash:  I've been talking like an asshole for the better part of a decade and that shit hasn't changed with the girls I dated.  You can go ahead and ask them and there's a good chance the term's asshole, douche bag, and dickhead will be mentioned.  If a guy starts talking like a girl he's got bigger things to worry about than it being a weird sign he likes you.  The only weird sign is that he probably likes dudes.
• His Mind Goes Blank:  "When a guy is attracted to a woman, he'll concentrate so much brain power on wowing her that he'll temporarily lose his short-term memory."  0 for 3 Cosmo.  You know why dude's minds go blank?  Well there's a few reasons A.) The girl has been rambling inane bullshit for more than 3 minutes forcing any normal dude's brain to check out.  B.)  That smoke show that just walked past us in Victoria's Secret totally blew my mind.  C.)  All I want to do is put a pillow over your face and go to pound town.  At no point does anyone's mind go blank from concentrating too much brain power on a girl.  But by all means ladies take that advice to heart Cosmo may have actually helped the bro cause out with this one because while I'm mentally undressing your roommate you're in lala land thinking my mind went blank because I'm concentrating so much brain power wowing you.        

Scarlett Johansson is Single

Finally. Call me sugartits. 

Sir Richard Branson is a Bro-King

Well well Sir Richard Branson...my hat goes off to you. Not only does he own Necker Island in the British Virgin Islands but apparently it's stocked with primo talent courtesy of Victoria's Secret. What a lineup...Allesandra Ambrosia, Brooklyn Decker, Candice Swanepoel, Erin Heatherton, Jarah Mariano, Lindsay Ellingson, Marissa Miller, Miranda Kerr, Rosi Huntingon-Whiteley. That's the kind of spread a man needs if he's going to be stuck on a desert island. For the record you too can be a bro-king like Sir Richard Branson because he rents Necker Island for a cool $54,000/night.  No big deal.  Victoria's Secret Angels not included.

Charter the Freshest Yacht on the Market for $1,000,000/Month

Introducing the Perini Navi Exuma.  This may be one of the dopest yachts I've ever seen.  164 feet of sexy.  I can't even begin to imagine the shenanigans that would transpire on this work of art.  The yacht sleeps ten in 5 state rooms and is available for charter in the South Pacific for a cool $1,000,000 per month or $250,000 per week provided that it hasn't been booked for the month.  If you grow tired of hanging out in the opulence of the Exuma then take the included 12ft hovercraft out for a spin or one of the many jet ski's and even an 18ft amphibious vehicle stored on board the vessel.  According to press releases the yacht has been chartered by an A-list celeb for the month of January but their identity remains secret.  Whoever it is will be ringing in the New Year in style.

Golden Globe Nominations Announced...The Tourist has 3 Nom's??

 

The nominees for the 2011 Golden Globe Awards were announced this morning and for the most part the nominations were on point. The King's Speech leads the pack with 7 nominations followed by The Fighter and The Social Network with 6 a piece.  Black Swan, Inception, and The Kids Are Alright each received 4 nominations.  Perhaps the biggest surprise/joke is that The Tourist received three nominations...seriously?  I saw this piece of work over the weekend and although it was visually appealing it was not even close to being award-worthy material.  It's nominated for Best Comedy/Musical (I wasn't aware this was considered a comedy), Johnny Depp is nominated for Best Actor - Comedy, and Angelina Jolie is nominated for Best Actress - Comedy.  The Hollywood Foreign Press must have been ripping the bong with Miley when they decided The Tourist deserved anything but a Razzie. 

The Best Motion Picture - Drama...This is going to be a tough one...the category is stacked with three of my favorite movies of the year Black Swan, Inception, and The Social Network...also in the category we have The Fighter and The King's Speech neither of which I've seen.  Although each of these movies were amazing I'm going to have to choose Black Swan because it really took it to another level.  I have a feeling that Social Network or Inception will take the award because they appeal more to the masses than an art house piece like Black Swan.

My picks for Best Actor and Actress in a Drama are James Franco in 127 Hours and Natalie Portman in Black Swan.  I give Jesse Eisenberg a close second for his portrayal of Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network.  Natalie Portman should win by a mile.  I haven't seen a performance like that in recent memory.

The Best Director category is going to come down to the wire.  Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan), David Fincher (The Social Network), Tom Hooper (The King's Speech), Christopher Nolan (Inception), and David O. Russel (The Fighter).  If you can't tell my favorite movie of this awards season is Black Swan and the direction is fantastic however Christopher Nolan was ridiculous in his direction of Inception so I won't be upset if either of these two win.

I've only covered the categories that were of particular interest to me but you can see the full listing of nominees by clicking the link below.

Full List of 2011 Golden Globe Nominees

Dear Santa...

 

A blue tooth video headset.  I don't condone people wearing blue tooth headsets because they make you look like a pretentious douche bag.  I could see myself wearing this thing around though.  I've had some pretty camera worthy moments where I either can't get to my camera fast enough or just don't have it on me and this little gadget would have come in handy.  Remember that wild party on Saturday night where those two broads started scissoring each other on the living room floor?  Oh that's right you don't remember because you were on your 8th glass of Johnnie Walker and you've taken the one way trip to black out central.  Well guess what friend...now you don't have to remember because you had your trusty video camera ear piece and some low budget porno company is totally going to throw some paper your way for that amateur girl-on-girl action you captured.  Now your the fucking man with a pocket full of dough.  You can start blacking out every night if you choose as long as you've got your trusty ear camera to put the pieces of the puzzle together for you when you wake up on the front lawn and your pants are missing.  When I think about it this thing could have so many different uses.  The best part is people wouldn't even know you have a damn video camera on your ear piece.  That leaves the potential to capture some pretty outrageous footage/blackmail fodder.  It captures 5 hours of video and it's only $200...a small price to pay for the priceless moments you could capture on video.  It even sends video to your smart phone over blue tooth so you can post that HD video of your boy swapping spit with Shamu to Facebook almost instantly.  I totally want one and I don't give a shit if I look like a dickhead walking around with a blue tooth headset on.

Seriously?

This guy has got to be fucking with me. "Hey those boots your wearing, looks like your in a motorcycle gang." No one has gotten laid using this as an opener. I refuse to believe it. The clown calls this tactic, of insinuating that a broad looks like she belongs in a motorcycle gang aka she is manly aka she is a dyke, the situational opener. According to him he's "setting up the frame that I'm her big brother and she's my little sister." Seriously? Last I checked no older brother was trying to bang his little sister...sick fuck. The sage advice does not end there he offers up some other "openers" for men to take out into the field such as "I notice more and more Christians are getting tattoos." Guess what I noticed? I noticed this guy probably thinks that no means yes and has a few skeletons in his closet. Worst.Pickup.Artist.Ever. Seriously do me a favor and kill yourself bro.

Miley Still Can't Be Tamed...

....Miley also can't handle her shit...talk about some rookie moves after hitting the bong. Disney channel eat your heart out. Seriously though I don't think I've ever seen anyone lose it like this after a bong rip. Bitch is totally out of her mind. If I were in the room with her there is not a chance I would have held back from knocking her the fuck out. Straight up Mike Tyson TKO style. No one wants to hear that chipmunk speaking in tongues (starting at the 2:06 mark). She turned 18 on November 23rd...it's been less than a month and we've already got leaked nude cell phone pics and now a video of her high off her ass.  Over/Under on a sex tape one month.  I'm sure her PR people are thrilled with this bomb. On a side note...I'd still hit it...party in the USA son.

Friday Femme Fatale

I present Angelina Jolie.  You may have seen this one coming since her much anticipated movie The Tourist opens in theaters nationwide today.  Although some might argue that she is in her twilight of years I disagree.  She's still one of the finest female's on the planet and she's been known to put out some pretty dope movies.  Aside from putting out movies the girl likes to put out in general.  She's built quite a track record of men in her time and ladies as well as a self-proclaimed bisexual and also a home wrecker.  Raaawr.  Those lips go both ways if you know what I'm saying.  Despite a wild youth and her sexual resume she has cleaned up her act and settled down with Brad Pitt and started her own interpretation of "It's a Small World" by adopting kids from every corner of the world.  Personally I'd prefer Jolie minus the child army but beggars can't be choosers. 

MJ's First Posthumous Single & Video

Michael Jackson feat. Akon - Hold My Hand



I grew up on MJ and I'll never forget where I was when I heard he died. It was tragic and unnecessary but c'est la vie. Here's the video for his first posthumous single. You'll always be missed Michael.

Dickgate Update

Today Jenn Sterger's lawyers announced that she will not pursue legal action against the Thrower of Picks/Sexter of Dicks as long as the NFL sanctions Favre for his transgressions.  I think having pictures of your junk posted across the internet is enough punishment for Mr. Favre.  Not to mention the doghouse he's probably been sleeping in at home since news of this broke 2 months ago.  Just let Old Man Favre finish off his career.  I don't mean to come off as misogynistic here (coughsarcasmcough) but things like this wouldn't happen if you kept women away from a man's sport.  What did you think was going to happen when you thrww a Playboy model on the sidelines with 100's of dudes jacked up on a football game surrounding her?  Someone was bound to make some moves although sexting dicks was not the best thought out plan.  Not to mention that if saying that you're Brett Favre, a future hall of fame QB, can't get you laid...well bro it's probably not gonna happen.  You're game off the field obviously sucks go focus on what's left of the game you have on the field.  P.S. good luck surviving the NY Giants pass rush this weekend...I wouldn't be surprised if obituaries were already being written for Monday morning.

Dear Santa...Let That Ball Fall Hard

 

Snooki of Jersey Shore fame (only in America does shit like this happen) is set to drop inside MTV's New Years Eve ball at Times Square this year.  I'm so sick of seeing this troll of MTV's creation running around getting paid for being drunk and whoreing it up.  So Dear Santa, please let those cables malfunction and have that ball fall hard on New Years.  Let's kick 2011 off fresh and Snooki free.  MTV if you need a replacement for someone to run around drunk and acting like a whore call me I'm doing that shit pro boner(typo...or is it?) on the regular.

Review...Black Swan

I was originally going to see Black Swan on opening day but my plans were consistently derailed by various things such as finals, booze, and inclement weather. Finally last night my frat brah dragged me out of my apartment to brave the cold and walk to the local cinema. It was Cold.As.Balls. I was feeling bitter about the walk to the theater as it had snapped my four day streak of not setting foot outdoors. By then end of Black Swan the bitterness had been replaced by awe. Black Swan was ridiculous. It's definitely a movie for people who are into movies. The plot centers around Nina the Ballerina played by Natalie Portman who is cast as the Swan Queen in the world-renowned Swan Queen ballet. Portman just straight kills it as Nina who is an overly obsessed perfectionist who's dream has been to dance the role of the Swan Queen. Her character slowly spirals into madness with assistance from her mother who is a total nut-job washed up ballerina with control issues, her director Thomas (played by Sam Cassel) who drives her mad with sexual advances and performance demands, and Lily (Mila Kunis) who is her polar opposite (and shares a sexy times scene). The downward spiral of Nina is played to a tee by Portman and captured by director Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream, The Wrestler). Towards the end of the movie I felt that I was trapped in the mind of an insane person as well as experiencing the anxiety and delusions that Portman delivers. This is movie coupled by masterful acting and direction will send you out of the theater completely mind blown.

Quote of the Day

"Just bikini pictures to illustrate her lack of sweater puppies.  If you're trying to motorboat you're going to run your ship aground."

Coolest Baby Ever?

If I should God-forbid ever have a child it better A.) Be a dude because if I have a daughter I'm going to off myself B.) He'd better come out of the womb busting moves like this kid. This little bro has got dance moves like whoah. He starts out standing around all nonchalant doing whatever it is babies do and then all of a sudden BAM starts rocking his head to the beat. Towards the end he starts throwing in some fist pumps while pointing at what undoubtedly must be some baby smokeshow sitting in the car. Don't change playa.

Is This What Lindsay Lohan Does When She Gets a Day Pass From Rehab?

So this music video featuring everyone's favorite trainwreck Lindsay Lohan hit youtube just four days ago. I'm stating the obvious here by saying she is looking sexy as hell. Smokeshow status. What I want to know is whether this is what the kids at the Betty Ford Clinic are doing with their daypasses. As you all know Lohan was remanded to the Clinic until after the New Year. She does however get day passes to work. If this is the kind of work you get to do at Betty Ford then sign me the fuck up. I won't even ask for a paycheck. Hot. That is all.

A Bro's Guide to Staying in Your Man-Cave All Winter

I haven't left my man-cave since Saturday night.  There are two reasons for this.  One is that I was as hungover as Charlie Sheen after a night at the Plaza Hotel...I'm not touching Johnnie Walker at least until next weekends round of holiday parties.  Second, it's apparently colder than the New York Jets' offense was last night in Foxboro.  Just looking out my window makes me want to stay indoors until April.  This leaves me with two options 1.) Pack up your shit and move South. or 2.) Straight up hibernate. 

A lot of you are probably asking yourselves "How is he going to manage not leaving the building for the next four months?"  After some brain storming I've come to the conclusion that this is totally feasible and not completely crazy.

1.) Peapod - A grocery delivery service.  The one thing that's really keeping you from staying locked up all winter is the need for food and beverage.  Peapod solves this problem by delivering straight to your door therefore never requiring you to drag your ass to the grocery store in the depths of winter.

2.) In-building Gym - Many bro's take the opportunity to use the down-time of the winter doldrums to get fit for next year's boating/beach season.  Most buildings have gym facilities on the premise so this one isn't too hard.  This will also come in handy to kill time as you will have a lot of it on your hands if you go this route.

3.) Hookers - Although it's winter slaying chicks is always a motivating factor to getting a dude off his ass and forcing him to trudge through knee high snow drifts to get to the bar in the hopes that after dropping a hundo on some broad's drinks he will end up closing the night with some strange.  There's a simple solution to this...hookers.  If you want to be classy and call it an escort go for it but a spade is a spade.  At least this girl will have to come to you...you don't have to hope that the odds are in your favor that she'll go home with you like a bird at the bar...and lastly she leaves when it's over.  This can all happen without even changing out of your bathrobe.  The thriftier ladies of the game even take credit cards (or so I've heard).  A wise man once said "You don't pay a hooker for sex, you pay her to leave after."  Truer words have not been spoken.  Regardless of how good your game is you're paying for it one way or another...you might as well do so from the comfort of your crib.

4.) On-Demand - You're going to have a lot of time to watch movies.  You're going to want a lot of options for watching movies.  I suggest subscribing to a few movie packages which will give you a lot of On-Demand options and then there's always pay-per-view.  This is a great way to get a non-hooker female over as well since bitches love being invited over to "cuddle" and "watch" a movie.  After you send out the mass texts to your female rolodex of "Want to come over for a movie and drinks?" dial up your Peapod delivery driver and have him get some bottles of vino over post-haste.  Boom.

5.) A Dope Entertainment Set-Up- Although you don't want to leave your crib for the next four months, or however long it takes for the girls to stop wearing UGGS and start wearing skirts, you're probably going to want to kick it with your boys at some point.  Since guys don't talk on the phone, because that's what chicks do, you're gonna need to have a good set-up at the crib for them to want to brave the cold to come kick it.  Big screens, big couches, big speakers, and cold beers should get the job done.