Charlie "Rehab" Sheen

As much as I've idolized Charlie Sheen and his debauchery I just wanted to clear up that it was for satirical purposes.  I just saw the newsflash that he has voluntarily checked himself into rehab at an undisclosed location and I want to wish him the best of luck.  Yea pornstars and briefcases of blow sound like a good time but I wouldn't want to see that be the end of one of my favorite actors.  Too many people depend on Charlie and he's got the support of his bosses, co-workers, and family.  Best wishes Charlie, get well.

Charlie Sheen for President

 

UPDATE 5:10 PM:  Charlie Sheen had a briefcase of cocaine delivered to his house during his party.  It allegedly contained bricks of cocaine.  WOW.

Bud Fox is at again ladies and gentlemen.  This morning Charlie Sheen was rushed to the hospital with severe abdominal pains resulting from what was no doubt another epic party.  Reports are swirling saying that Charlie was partying at his house with 5 count 'em 5 young ladies and one of them was you guessed it another porn star.  The lucky porn star is Kacey Jordan and she's 22 years old.  I can't say I'm familiar with her work but after a quick google image search I'm now acquainted.  Not bad...she's no Bree Olson but she's a hottie no less.  Now I'm sure fairies like Perez Hilton will be blasting the internet waves condemning Charlie for this latest night of debauchery but like I've said before this man is just living the dream.  Sure sometimes you'll get rushed to the ER on a Thursday morning but that's just the price you pay for smashing 5 girls in the course of 24 hours.  There's no doubt in my mind he got down with each one.  I don't think I'd even make it to the ER if I slammed 5 girls in one night.  The coroner would show up and find me laying in bed with no pulse and the biggest shit eating grin anyone's ever seen.  If he makes it to 2012 I'm writing him in the Presidential ballot.  This shit would be way more entertaining than having Obama in office...it's not like things could get much worse with Charlie at the helm of the country.  Pictures of Charlie's new porn starlet Kacey Jordan are below.  She's got that whore look in her eye like a motherfucker...gotta love girls with daddy issues...they make the world go 'round.

Drugs & Politics

There are currently two issues on my radar that I feel need to be addressed.  The first of which is the PM of Italy Silvio Berlusconi and his alleged affairs with a 17 year old smokeshow belly dancer (she's now 18 game on).  Let's cut to the chase and say that the PM (prime minister for those of you who don't follow international politics) was banging this broad.  First of all I can only hope that at the age of 74 (Berlusconi's age) I'm even capable of holding a conversation with 17 year old smokes let alone being the leader of a nation.  I'm pretty sure that's not in the cards but Biggie told me the sky's the limit so we'll see.  For those of you who don't know the back story PM Berlusconi supposedly showered this girl with lavish gifts in exchange for that sweet apple pie and one of her roommates went to the press with the story.  So first off that roommate better be on the streets after that move.  Like who the fuck does that to their roommate?  Hope you liked your 5 minutes of fame as the big mouthed roommate.  My first problem with this story is that it has absolutely nothing to do with what the PM accomplishes as a politician.  What it boils down to is a bunch of haters creating a buzz over my man Berlusconi smashing underage tail behind closed doors.  This is none of anybody's business and it has no reflection on what he has accomplished as a politician.  It's a case of bro-haters vs. bro's that are laying pipe.  Now the entire country of Italy is split over whether to continue supporting their PM or get him out of office.  This chick is almost as powerful as Helen of Troy just straight up causing devastation throughout a whole country.  I guarantee any guy in the same position of power and influence would do the same thing and if you say you wouldn't then you need to work on cracking your closet door open.  Seriously get the fuck out of there it's OK it's 2011. 

My second political gripe stems from a CNN interview with Gil Kerlikowski who, for those of you not familiar, is the Director of the White House's National Office of Drug Control Policy AKA the US Drug Czar.  He's fresh off a three day tour of Colombia, the producers of everyone's favorite nasal congestant.  After our boy Gil explains that our country, which mind you is as of December 31, 2010 $14 TRILLION in debt, has been pumping $7 billion into Colombia to fight the "war on drugs" is "starting" to be successful.  Take in those numbers again and explain where the success is.  He claims that national cocaine use is on the decline and I call bullshit.  I've seen things homey and shit is not on the decline...more like people are more careful and knowledgeable about what they're doing that's why statistics are going down.  The war on drugs will never be won.  I'm not saying everything should be legalized but at least stop pumping money into other countries and stop raising taxes on the main land.

On a sidenote I think Obama's approval rating would sky rocket if he started slamming some hot belly dancer no?  It's worth a try given his dismal ratings as of late.  If you need a new adviser I'm available Prez.

Robert Downey Jr.'s Got Game

Ricky Gervais wasn't the only one killing it at last night's Golden Globe Awards. Robert Downey Jr. comes out and essentially tells the world that you'll be a better actress if you bang him. I mean this guy is great. The best part is the creeper glances he shoots at Emma Stone. Hilarious. She is so smoking hot. Like the not a fuck up version of Lindsay Lohan. I'll watch anything she is in she's that hot and she's a pretty good actress even though she's fairly new in Hollywood. I expect big things...and by big things I'm hoping some scandalous pictures or video tapes.  Seriously these are the hottest pictures I could find of her and that's not O.K. with me.  Someone get this girl in at least a Maxim photo shoot ASAP.

Ricky Gervais Is The Man

I'm honestly pissed that I didn't watch the Golden Globe Awards last night because all I've read about today is how Ricky Gervais basically shit all over 90% of Hollywood throughout the evening while hosting the awards. Just straight up calling everyone out about everything. This clip is his opening monologue which is just awesome. Ripping on Charlie Sheen, calling out powerful Scientologists about being gay (I'm looking at you Cruise and Travolta), shitting all over the Hollywood Foreign Press and more. I normally can't sit through a youtube clip that's longer than 1:30 because I have the attention span of a bird but this is worth the 5:20 to sit through. I love that he calls out the Sex & The City sequel...so sick of hearing about those old bitches. Like seriously who in their right mind would want to bang Sarah Jessica Parker? She looks like a fucking witch. I don't know who the rest of them are but they're fucking haggard. Anyways if I were Ricky I'd be watching my back because he ends the monologue by taking a shot at everyone's favorite anti-Semite Mel Gibson. After hearing all the audiotapes that his whore of a gold-digging wife kept of him I'd consider Mel to be someone I wouldn't want to piss off. Like dude is gonna come crucify your ass or something crazy. At least we all know that Ricky Gervais has balls unlike the majority of award show hosts who kiss everyone's ass while hosting. Props bro. Mad props.

NFL Playoff Feelings

Thus far I haven't written about the NFL playoffs because there is only one team I give a shit about and also the team that I love...the CHICAGO BEARS...and today was their first playoff appearance in 3 years so I'm going to have to put my two cents out on the interweb.  Da Bears did not get any respect from 95% of nationally syndicated sports writers throughout the season.  That trend seems to be continuing as Jim Trotter of Sports Illustrated wrote that Jay Cutler had "a borderline exceptional" performance against the Seahawks.  Well Jim Trotter the last time I checked a quarterback rating of 111.3 is more than exceptional...especially since this was Cutler's first playoff appearance in the NFL.  Fucking hater. Granted they have had a few questionable calls during the regular season (I know the Calvin Johnson call was shit but it's the rule that's shit and that's how it was written) that worked out in their favor but that's how life is in the NFL.  Despite these questionable calls they are still the #2 seed in the NFC and today they straight raped the Seahawks for 3 quarters.  I'm sure the critics will read this and say they allowed 24 points.  Well this is what I have to say...I was at the game and I watched a quarterback, Jay Cutler, who has been criticized all year for his passing decisions act calmly and make great passes and run the football when necessary.  Today the Bears presented a balanced offense with very few mistakes and great defense.  Not to mention that Cutler was the white man's Michael Vick...just running touchdowns and scrambling for positive yardage.  Plus he never murdered any dogs so you know you know you can in good conscience root for him.  We know that the defense is usually a given so the weight of the world lies on the offenses shoulders.  We did it all today.  Next week is going to be tough.  It's an NFC championship game of epic proportions...Bears vs. Packers...the longest existing rivalry in football...and for the first time in NFL history it is going down and it's going down at Soldier Field.  I don't underestimate the Packers at all.  They are a great team on offense and defense.  Clay Matthews scares the piss out of me.  One of the best defenders in the league.  Aaron Rodgers is a beast there's no question he's a straight gun-slinger as he proved against Atlanta on Saturday night.  Just straight fucked the Falcons with no lube.  It's definitely intimidating to go up against a team like the Packers who have this much momentum coming into the NFC championship game.  But guess what folks?  The Bears and Packers split their series during the regular season with the Bears barely losing in the season closer at Lambeau in a game that they had nothing to lose seeing as they had already clinched their playoff berth.  They held the Packers to 10 points on home turf even though they only scored 3.  The point is that game was at Lambeau Field and it was extremely close with a lot of shut down defense on the Bears part.  Sure the Packers sacked Cutler six times but you know what so did the Seahawks in the regular season match up...and they obviously couldn't repeat that performance at the divisional playoff match up.  If Cutler stays protected and the defense pressures Aaron Rodgers and provides good coverage against Green Bay's receivers then ladies and gentlemen the Chicago Bears will go to the Superbowl.  And now that the Patriots are out (the most frightening team of the regular season) I think it's gonna come down to shoving a snack up Rex Ryan's fat ass trash talking mouth (if they beat the Steelers which I'm thinking is gonna happen) in Dallas.  But first Green Bay. The bottom line is the Bears have not gotten any respect this season...they are pissed and that was evident today against the Seahawks...Cutler's performance, knocking bitch ass Seattle players out, Greg Olsens 100 yards before halftime, Devin Hester just returning kicks like a motherfucker when he gets his hands on the ball...we have the potential to take it all and there's nothing that would make me happier than seeing the Lombardi Trophy being driven through the streets of Chicago.  I've got high hopes I know.  Green Bay first.

Chicago Bears -2...haven't talked to my bookies yet but that's my prediction for the spread against the Packers.

The Yacht Week

Although I've just recently returned from the island of Aruba I've already got an itch to get back out on the water. While out with one of my boys last night discussions arose of a trip to Seville, Spain in March. As sick as that sounded I had a better idea and I present to you The Yacht Week. A whole week on a sail boat in the Mediterranean...sign me the fuck up. I found out about this adventure last spring and it's been on my list of things to do. So the question is do I go to Seville or do I convince the gents to do The Yacht Week? I'm a sailor by heart so I have to choose The Yacht Week...plus the trailer above makes it look like the most ridiculous vacay ever. If you don't agree with me you should probably go bite a bullet. Hands down potentially the most epic vacation ever. Smokeshows, Europe, and boats. Can't be beat.

Hot New Single to Spice Up Your Wednesday

Just downloaded this track by Far East Movement, the guys that brought you "Like A G6." It's called "Rocketeer" and features vocals from One Republic's frontman Ryan Tedder. Just a dope track from start to finish. Check it out. Expect to hear this hitting the airwaves on the regular in the coming weeks.

The Most Annoying People On Facebook

There are a few types of people on facebook that I just want to stab in the face.  This will never happen because I'm a pretty chill person and I can never imagine being aggressive towards someone unless they were doing something to me at the same time.  So with that premise I'd like to introduce you the 5 biggest assholes on facebook.

1.  In a Relationship- yea no fucking shit you're in a relationship.  Everyone of your friends noticed that shit in their newsfeed when you made it official.  I personally think relationships are the biggest waste of time in the world because no guy in their 20's knows where he wants to stick his dick for the rest of his life.  Fact.  I'm pretty sure no girl wants to be banging the same guy for the next 80 years either...that's why cheating happens.  People get bored.  Besides this it's just dumb as fuck to declare your love for someone via the internet.  The people I love most know that I love them because of the relationships I maintain with them.  So...asshole with the pic of you and your girlfriend holding hands...cut your losses short...she probably sucked someone off at the last "girl's night" she had.

2.  People that put their mood in their status- yea we all have emotions but you know what?  80% of us don't shout it out to the world.  Having a bad day?  Be a man and go buy a bottle of scotch and stop being a fucking pussy.  Who the fuck wants to get on facebook and see their news feed clogged with your sissy ass shit?  I'll tell you who...NO ONE.  Sack up and act like a man...pussy. 

3.  The political/religious people...yea I went to Catholic school for 12 years...probably the biggest mistake of my life...it just turned me into the rebel without a cause that I am today.  Either way facebook is for connecting and for getting laid so keep your political and religious opinions at home.  And I'm sure I'll get heat for that statement but you know what?  I go on facebook to either get laid or to promote myself and it works like a charm therefore shut the fuck up about politics and religion...go find another forum because no one here gives a fuck.

4.  Hipsters- just go away...you guys are worst than locusts.
5.  Family- I love them to death but they can be straight narc's.  Busting me out about status updates that I'm drunk and having a threesome on a Sunday afternoon.  Just kidding I'm still a virgin...vagina is for sinners.  PSYCHE!!!  I love sex I love booze I love drugs.  I'm a Charlie Sheen in the making and I have no regrets.
HONORABLE MENTION- I just looked at my newsfeed and saw a girl I used to fuck who is just desperate for attention...she airs all her dirty laundry via facebook....yea cool you like it dirty and rough...I could have told anyone that...how desperate do you have to be to tell the world how you like it in the sack?  I"m guessing pretty desperate.  I have no ill feelings towards this girl but her status updates just make me realize why I didn't want to fuck her anymore...as gay as it sounds dumb girls are the worst....not to mention this broad is an Abercrombie model and they only hire smoke shows.  For shame.
And now you're privileged enough to know the 5 types of people that I can't stand on facebook.  Cheers kids.

Charlie's Just Being Charlie

 

Charlie Sheen has gone off the radar this morning in Las Vegas totally MIA and most likely not going to be on set for work on Two And A Half Men today.  His people and his bosses are worried and pissed.  I on the other hand feel inspired.  The man has been in Sin City all weekend on a bender with three porn stars including one of my favorites Bree Olson.  How can you not want to party with this guy just once?  It's seriously on my bucket list to have a night on the town with Charlie Sheen.  Dude is just a pro whether it be locking naked prostitutes in a closet, tearing up rooms at The Plaza, or banging porn stars for days on end and then telling "the man" to go fuck himself and going MIA in Vegas.  What a trooper.  Not to mention he pulls in about $2 million per episode of Two And A Half Men.  I should have been an actor...maybe it's not too late.  I feel like that's the kind of lifestyle I was cut out for.  On a side note let's hope the reason he's MIA is that he's too busy with his porn star foursome to pick up his phone and not dead somewhere in the desert.  I love this guys acting and his antics I'd hate for anything bad to happen to him.  As a bonus I've provided some photos of the lovely Bree Olson below.  Total smokeshow.  Giggity.  Call me when you're through with Charlie sugar tits.

UPDATE:  Charlie is en route to LA via private jet and heading to work.  Like a fucking boss.  Boom.