10 Bro-sentials For The Bro-liday Weekend (AKA Jesus' Birthday)

Having been at my folks' house for over 24 hours I've realized that I didn't necessarily pack right.  After numerous coffee's with an assortment of J-Mo and Drambuie I've figured out the bro-sential list of things to pack for the holidays.  If you think I'm wrong bring it.

1. Bitches

You can't go wrong with bitches.  As long as they're in the kitchen or helping your mom clean up after the shit storm you brought in at 2 AM.  Had to choose Lohan because she's the hottest ginger alive and her tits are so money.  I mean look at that.  I don't care how many times she goes to rehab or gets arrested.  One good thing is you know she'll blow lines off your cock.  Can't beat that. Straight. Class. Homey.

2. Liquor

I'm not hating on beer but the holidays require a harder drink.  My personal favorite is Johnnie Walker.  I'll keep walking all day long.  The only downside to this fantastic beverage is that chicks have no appreciation for it.  All about that sauv-blanc and cabernet.  Show me a girl who'll drink Johnnie on the rocks and I'll show you a girl that I'll marry 9 times out 10.  Straight throwing a ring on it.  Haven't found a girl to drink Johnnie in all my years of man-whoring around.  Challengers are welcome.

3. Holiday Sweaters

Rock. Holiday. Sweaters.  It's the only time of the year when it's accepted to wear a douche bag outfit.  Chicks get wet over this shit.  Unless they've been lying to me...quite possible.

4. Patience

Time with family means time for patience.  You most likely differ in political philosophies or philosophies in general.  This is where numero dos comes into play.  A little liquor always makes the debates easier/more entertaining.

5. A Cell Phone

Gotta have a phone.  911 in case your dad tries to stab you with a carving knife for blowing your trust fund on bitches and blow.  Or for more realistic reasons like you forgot to pull out and you need that Plan B pill ASAP.  Or like grandma choked on a bone.  Just in case.  I don't know what people did before the cell phone age.  You know how much pussy I've pulled from texting?! At least 3 girls.  I'm still a virgin.  But I can pretend.  It's fun.

6.  Cocaine

I've heard good things.  After all that booze you might need a pick me up.

7. Cash Money

After all that booze, blow, and Lohan tits you're gonna need an escape route.  Obvi driving is not an option, unless you're the fucking man and say fuck it, so you're gonna need some cash money to pay for a cab.  On a personal note cab rides are cheaper than DUI's.  Just saying.

8. Your Team Hat

You're undoubtedly going to be home for the games on Sunday.  If you're like me you'll be watching the Chicago Bears tear Mark Sanchez a new asshole while Rex Ryan eats some snacks.  On a side note if you're white and you still keep the stickers on your cap...do me a favor and kill yourself...fucking disgrace I bet you wear graphic tees too.

9. Xanax

There's only one way you're getting a solid nap in.  Check above for directions.

10. Exit Strategy

After impregnating Lohan, doing a bunch of blow, becoming best friends with Johnnie, and eating some xanny bars you're gonna wake up in a haze.  It's time to escape.  Trains, plains, and automobiles my friends.  If  that trust fund was tight enough you're hopping on a G5 and peacing out.  For those of us less fortunate souls there's the conventional ways of travel.  At least New Years Eve is only a week away.  BOOM