Terminator, Governator, Impregnator

 

At one point in time Arnold  Schwarzenegger was the biggest movie star on the planet.  I remember the first time I watched the Terminator movies and the next time I went to get my haircut I told the stylist I wanted my haircut to be like Arnold's.  The man was an inspiration.  I even had to opportunity to meet him when I was little.  I was on vacation in Key West and I was throwing back virgin pina coladas in the hot tub at the Pier House Resort when the one and only Arnie gets in the tub with me.  I thought I was going to lose my shit.  He was staying at the resort while filming True Lies. 

Fast forward 15 years and once again Arnold has me losing my shit except this time I'm not in a hot tub.  I am however in awe of the fact that the woman above was Arnold's side piece.  Arnold, your girlfriend, WOOF.  Come on maaaan.  You're better than that!  You're the fucking Terminator!  You're the Governator!  Why the fuck is a troll like this even on your staff bro??  It always blows my mind when people of power stoop to these levels.  Sure Maria Shriver is no prize but at least she's a Kennedy.  That clout somewhat makes up for the fact that she looks like skeletor.  I just see these people who can have it all and they go and raw-dog a gorilla.  Bad form.  I pull high quality ass for some reason and I can't imagine what would happen if I had the power of Hollywood behind me.  It would be ludicrous.  Which is why Arnold should be ashamed of himself.  With great power comes the responsibility to only smash great pussy and Arnold you've let us all down.  Shame on you.

Is This Reality?

So last night my allergies were kicking the shit out of me preventing me from passing out and I was up to notice that there are still commercials for "Singles" phone lines.  You know the ones that cost like $10/min to talk to strangers.  Quite a bargain I know.  Anyways it got me thinking are people really that hard up for ass that they have to resort to "Singles" phone lines?  Well this morning I see this gem on the interweb and it seems to reinforce that idea.  Matt Simpson here has taken out an ad on Facebook in search of tail.  I have so many awesome things to say about this.  First off I know not everyone is a bro like me or my friends and has the ability to slay chicks on the reg.  But seriously this is starting to get ridiculous.  The only reason Facebook thrives is so you can do recon and poke chicks already.  If those aren't resources enough for you to get some ass every so often then perhaps you need to re-evaluate your life.  I guess if you need to take out an ad you should at least make that shit appealing.  Like Matt here talks about the "awesome vegetable garden" in his backyard.  You fucking kidding me bro?  A vegetable garden?  That shit is for the birds.  Or this gem "I'd rather talk on the phone than text."  Newsflash dude it's 2011 and bitches love texting.  I'm sure there are some lovely ladies out there who would love to spend hours on the phone with you the reason being is they probably don't have a social life.  Like I'm out doing shit on a nightly basis.  I don't have time for phone calls and neither should anyone under the age of 45.  Matt here went about this thing the wrong way.  Here's a killer ad for you people that can't get laid in real life.  Everything in parentheses is my personal opinion and not part of the ad. 

About Me:  A lot of people go to college for 7 years...(boom your opening line...you make a chick laugh and your in...if she doesn't recognize that as a Tommy Boy quote then she has no sense of humor PASS)

Biography:  Ask around. (keep it mysterious)

Gender:  BRO

Personal Info:  I like to be an asshole on occasion but I'll probably hold the door for you and that other chivalrous shit.  I'd rather text unless you're calling me to have the doorman let you into my building/need bail money/are in the hospital. Sometimes I like to make myself a pitcher of margaritas on a Tuesday afternoon and take a nap on my rooftop.

Personal Interests:  I enjoy sailing my boat more than anything (sailboat = ultimate panty dropper).   Inappropriate amounts of wine and inappropriate conversations.  Chilling with my bro's.  I like to travel as much as possible it makes you a better person when you expand your knowledge of the world.  Sunday Funday.

And there you have it folks I think we have a clear winner.

I'm Back

After a 3 month long hiatus I've decided to return to the world of blogging.  I don't know why I stopped but since Jesus came back from the dead last weekend I feel like I should come back from blogging death and get back in the saddle.  And what better way to celebrate my return to the blogging world than pictures of my favorite train wreck Lindsay Lohan attending her first community service appointment sans bra with her tits just flapping in the wind in a sheer tank top.  She's got 480 hours of community service so one can only hope this is just the start of good things to come.

Charlie "Rehab" Sheen

As much as I've idolized Charlie Sheen and his debauchery I just wanted to clear up that it was for satirical purposes.  I just saw the newsflash that he has voluntarily checked himself into rehab at an undisclosed location and I want to wish him the best of luck.  Yea pornstars and briefcases of blow sound like a good time but I wouldn't want to see that be the end of one of my favorite actors.  Too many people depend on Charlie and he's got the support of his bosses, co-workers, and family.  Best wishes Charlie, get well.

Charlie Sheen for President

 

UPDATE 5:10 PM:  Charlie Sheen had a briefcase of cocaine delivered to his house during his party.  It allegedly contained bricks of cocaine.  WOW.

Bud Fox is at again ladies and gentlemen.  This morning Charlie Sheen was rushed to the hospital with severe abdominal pains resulting from what was no doubt another epic party.  Reports are swirling saying that Charlie was partying at his house with 5 count 'em 5 young ladies and one of them was you guessed it another porn star.  The lucky porn star is Kacey Jordan and she's 22 years old.  I can't say I'm familiar with her work but after a quick google image search I'm now acquainted.  Not bad...she's no Bree Olson but she's a hottie no less.  Now I'm sure fairies like Perez Hilton will be blasting the internet waves condemning Charlie for this latest night of debauchery but like I've said before this man is just living the dream.  Sure sometimes you'll get rushed to the ER on a Thursday morning but that's just the price you pay for smashing 5 girls in the course of 24 hours.  There's no doubt in my mind he got down with each one.  I don't think I'd even make it to the ER if I slammed 5 girls in one night.  The coroner would show up and find me laying in bed with no pulse and the biggest shit eating grin anyone's ever seen.  If he makes it to 2012 I'm writing him in the Presidential ballot.  This shit would be way more entertaining than having Obama in office...it's not like things could get much worse with Charlie at the helm of the country.  Pictures of Charlie's new porn starlet Kacey Jordan are below.  She's got that whore look in her eye like a motherfucker...gotta love girls with daddy issues...they make the world go 'round.

Drugs & Politics

There are currently two issues on my radar that I feel need to be addressed.  The first of which is the PM of Italy Silvio Berlusconi and his alleged affairs with a 17 year old smokeshow belly dancer (she's now 18 game on).  Let's cut to the chase and say that the PM (prime minister for those of you who don't follow international politics) was banging this broad.  First of all I can only hope that at the age of 74 (Berlusconi's age) I'm even capable of holding a conversation with 17 year old smokes let alone being the leader of a nation.  I'm pretty sure that's not in the cards but Biggie told me the sky's the limit so we'll see.  For those of you who don't know the back story PM Berlusconi supposedly showered this girl with lavish gifts in exchange for that sweet apple pie and one of her roommates went to the press with the story.  So first off that roommate better be on the streets after that move.  Like who the fuck does that to their roommate?  Hope you liked your 5 minutes of fame as the big mouthed roommate.  My first problem with this story is that it has absolutely nothing to do with what the PM accomplishes as a politician.  What it boils down to is a bunch of haters creating a buzz over my man Berlusconi smashing underage tail behind closed doors.  This is none of anybody's business and it has no reflection on what he has accomplished as a politician.  It's a case of bro-haters vs. bro's that are laying pipe.  Now the entire country of Italy is split over whether to continue supporting their PM or get him out of office.  This chick is almost as powerful as Helen of Troy just straight up causing devastation throughout a whole country.  I guarantee any guy in the same position of power and influence would do the same thing and if you say you wouldn't then you need to work on cracking your closet door open.  Seriously get the fuck out of there it's OK it's 2011. 

My second political gripe stems from a CNN interview with Gil Kerlikowski who, for those of you not familiar, is the Director of the White House's National Office of Drug Control Policy AKA the US Drug Czar.  He's fresh off a three day tour of Colombia, the producers of everyone's favorite nasal congestant.  After our boy Gil explains that our country, which mind you is as of December 31, 2010 $14 TRILLION in debt, has been pumping $7 billion into Colombia to fight the "war on drugs" is "starting" to be successful.  Take in those numbers again and explain where the success is.  He claims that national cocaine use is on the decline and I call bullshit.  I've seen things homey and shit is not on the decline...more like people are more careful and knowledgeable about what they're doing that's why statistics are going down.  The war on drugs will never be won.  I'm not saying everything should be legalized but at least stop pumping money into other countries and stop raising taxes on the main land.

On a sidenote I think Obama's approval rating would sky rocket if he started slamming some hot belly dancer no?  It's worth a try given his dismal ratings as of late.  If you need a new adviser I'm available Prez.

Robert Downey Jr.'s Got Game

Ricky Gervais wasn't the only one killing it at last night's Golden Globe Awards. Robert Downey Jr. comes out and essentially tells the world that you'll be a better actress if you bang him. I mean this guy is great. The best part is the creeper glances he shoots at Emma Stone. Hilarious. She is so smoking hot. Like the not a fuck up version of Lindsay Lohan. I'll watch anything she is in she's that hot and she's a pretty good actress even though she's fairly new in Hollywood. I expect big things...and by big things I'm hoping some scandalous pictures or video tapes.  Seriously these are the hottest pictures I could find of her and that's not O.K. with me.  Someone get this girl in at least a Maxim photo shoot ASAP.